There is an older man sitting in the waiting room, with his sweet, gray haired wife of many years next to him. Why him? And the young, beautiful lady we see as we wait to meet Wes’ doctor, she is right in the middle of her battle with cancer, for she bears the marks of chemo. I wonder if she ever asks the question why?  And another girl, even younger yet, being pushed by her mother in a wheelchair, they aren’t new here, for they know their way around. A blanket covers her too thin body, obviously battling a diagnose that is hard. I’m sure her mother, as she pushes her wheelchair, often wonders why. And there is the one who’s fiancé is fighting stage 4 liver cancer, she is waiting for a new liver.  God only knows how long they will have to wait for it. The one with the newly diagnosed brain tumor, after battling cancer already, she just found out that it is now in her brain. Why her?  The big why question looms so near, when I think of the two beautiful people who we knew, who lost their fight with cancer just a few weeks ago. Leaving behind dear families who loved them. Why??  What determines whether the Lord grants healing? What determines when He doesn’t? Hard questions. I know, we don’t have an answer for them. Oh, how I know that.  And than there is our story. And why my husband? In the prime of life. He loves life. Loves people. And loves Jesus. And I’m sure you have some questions you could ask about happenings in your life.

And than I think, “why-not?” Why not the older man? Why not the young girl, the one who should be thinking about college and just starting out in her life. And bringing it real close to my heart….Why not my husband? Why not us?

So many different lives. So many different stories. So many different souls. But each a soul.  And as I walk in and out of the hospital, I meet many strangers, but yet it’s almost like we know each other. For there is something common there. Pain. Sickness. A fight for life. Someone we love and know is facing something. That’s why they are here. And I wipe away a tear, as I think that’s why I’m here too. Because someone I love is sick. Reality hurts these days. The questions hurt. Not having answers hurts.

How do you get past the “what-if’s”? All the wondering? The many questions of why? And how do you deal with these disappointments, these life altering diagnoses? How do you deal with them without Jesus? And when you have Him in your life, what are you suppose to do with all these questions?

And that’s when I hear it, this little voice that whispers softly, “Let your questions drive you to Me.” And suddenly it makes sense.

I look at this life, through my human eyes, and life doesn’t make sense. It never will. Not through my eyes. When I have questions with answers that aren’t there, I can either let them go and trust, or allow bitterness and hurt to creep in and take over.  I believe God places situations in my life that bring questions to my mind, questions that only He can answer, they leave me hanging, gasping for breath, and scared.  My job is to turn them back into His hands, and let them go. {Let. Them. Go.} It’s trusting that He has my best in mind. It’s having faith that He knows what He is doing. It’s loving Him so much that the questions just fade away to a deep trust. My questions are not wrong, all the “why’s” and “what-if’s” and the million other questions that pass through my mind, they are gonna creep in.  It is what I do with them that makes the difference and determines how they affect my life.

 I’m so glad I don’t have to do this life without God. And He doesn’t let me go. I  hope I can respond the way He wants me to and learn what He is longing for me to know. And I’m so thankful He is patient with my questions, that He doesn’t give up on me, even when I feel like giving up.

Our week has been pretty quiet as far as medically. Wes went in last week for his outpatient chemo. He was scheduled for Thursday,  but because of the clinic being closed for 2 days when Hurricane Irma came through, they were behind 2 days, so instead his appointment was changed to Saturday. Everything went normal and he has been feeling the chemo effects again this week. Which aren’t too different than the last time, a little bit of nausea, aching and tiredness.  His white blood cell count is always the lowest this week, so being around any sickness and a lot of germs is something he has to be extra careful with. He goes in for blood work the beginning of this next week, just to make sure everything is looking the way it should and than his hospital stay is next weekend if everything is going like it should. His mom & dad are planning to come stay with us over this time.  We really just take this a day at a time right now,  I would like to just rush ahead and know if this treatment is working, I’d like to just take a look inside and see that tumor shrinking, that nasty cancer just disappearing and know that everything is gonna be okay. But this is where I need to let go and let my questions in His hands. It sounds so easy, but trust and letting go of the things you have little or no control over, is anything but easy.

Through all the unknown ahead, we feel covered in grace and strength that is certainly from above.  Having life slow down, hanging on to what we have as a family, enjoying each day, our children and just being together, is a huge blessing. The girls have adjusted so well, better than we could have hoped, and the baby isn’t wasting time being little. We are loving him. We were blessed with a few visitors that stopped by this last week, and we loved seeing people that we know and enjoyed our time with them.

God has me and you where we are for a reason, although we might never know exactly what that reason is. But even if it is just for one. One precious soul. A soul He is wanting to reach. To offer a little bit of hope through a smile, to let them tell me their story, even just for a minute, til the elevator dings, or they move along down the grocery aisle, or they finish filling their car up with gas and we go our separate ways. I am here, you are there, (right where you are!) to encourage. To offer love. To show them a little bit of Jesus. And I pray that they see Jesus in me, in my little family, in the hospital room where the chemo is given, and in my little corner of this big city of Jacksonville.

Thank you, once more, for all your love and prayers, your letters and boxes. Mail time has become a highlight of our day, especially for our girls. So thank you! You are blessing us more than you will ever know. And I pray that the questions you are facing in your life, the questions that come up this week, drive you to Jesus.

kendra

 

 

 

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